So I'm having issues at the moment.
I may have been told to, and I quote, 'think less ... and stop doubting everything', so this is my way of doing so. I'll pour my heart out on here and get it all of my chest.
Right, so here goes.
Career
To be frank, I don't really know why I am bothering. It seems to me that this career path I have chosen is a hell of a lot of work and hassle to get nothing in return but your name in the midst of a load of other people names that few people will read anyway. At the end of the day, this is not what I studied for three years at uni for, or even college. If I had known how to make contacts when I was 16, I could have done this job then, without the need to go to college or university, and now probably be in a healthier position financially as well as career wise than it is possible for me to be able to get to now. My degree was making costumes, and while I realise I have more talent in this aspect than the majority of people, I am by no means good enough to be able to call myself a professional or produce things to a professional standard.
My dream was always to be involved in films. This is where the whole of my career plan came from, the desire to somehow be part of that. I only choose the costume side of it because I was somewhat adequate at textiles at school and liked dressing up. Linked to that was my discovery of moviecostumes.org, an American website which has now either been closed down or taken over of one woman would make movie costume replicas to order, and believe me, these costumes were amazing. She stopped because she was fed up of hate due to her high prices and making the same few costumes over and over again. Anyway, I had always wanted to do this, and have harboured the idea in my heart for many years, but have always been too scared to properly make a go of it. My work isn't good enough to be able to make the costumes as perfect as I'll want them to be.
Basically, what I guess I'm trying to say is that I think I should give up. I cant afford to work 6 days a week and 14 hours a day for free. I cant afford to stubbornly hold on to making use of my degree when there is nothing I can legitimately and successfully do with it. I don't want to have to sacrifice my life for my work, which is what I would have to do if I did this full time. I wouldn't have time for friends, I wouldn't have time for family; my life would consist of get up, work, sleep, repeat. I don't want that. Maybe I should get a '9-5' normal job and be a normal person. Save up for houses and holidays and other things beginning with H. People have always told me to keep writing as a hobby, maybe I should do this with sewing as well.
Love
I'm not sure I'm really capable of this. I just find my self unable to feel anything. I don't mean general love, I know I'm capable of that, after all I love my friends, my family, my cat and cake; but romantic love? I'm not sure. Every 'relationship' I have been in has been exactly the same; I like spending time with the person, we get on and all that, but something just isn't right, there's something quintessential missing, so I end it before the other person gets too involved.
I read an article on msn the other day, and it said something that really rang true to me. I cant remember the exact words, but it was something along the lines of 'not everybody is meant to be one half of a couple.' I think that's me. I'm far too independent and I enjoy being on my own too much to give myself over completely to someone else. My mother says that I just haven't met the right person yet, which may be true, after all, I know I'm still young, but 22 and never been in love? I have always thought that there are two types of people; the people who are always in relationships, jumping from one long term relationship to the next; and those who are always single, jumping from one long term spell of singledom to the next. I'm one of the latter. Maybe there is just something in me that makes me unsuitable to be in a relationship.
John Green's book 'An Abundance of Katherines' is about the main character coming up with a theorem regarding 'dumpers' and 'dumpees'. I know I'm a dumper, but I always used to think it was a fear of commitment. At the first sign of things getting serious, and I display man-like tendencies and leg it. Now, I'm starting to wonder if its more the fact that I'm just not girlfriend material. I don't feel comfortable in relationships because I'm better suited to being single. I'm not saying that this option is what I want, far from it, I want the husband/children/house/cat thing so much, but maybe I just have to accept the fact that this isn't going to happen for me.
I guess these are the two main things that are affecting me right now, and both are going to come under serious reconsideration after I have done this shoot. I'm sorry for venting out my heart on here, but you know, I do feel better for it.
<3 x
Anime/Manga: 37 (Kaichou ep 17 / Faster than a Kiss ch 30)
Last Google Search: TRAIN STATIONS WALSALL (oooh all caps, she must not be impressed)
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