Early

What does it mean when I find myself in bed not only before midnight, but by quarter to 11? 

I just don't want to be awake anymore. I know that sounds overly dramatic, and that's totally not what I mean, but I can't think of another way to describe it. I'm not even tired, but I want to be asleep just to not have to be awake for a bit.

Am I stressed? Yes, probably. I have an iniment fitting for a bride, her mother and her bridesmaid. I also have a gazillion costumes to sort and return ASAP before my credit card charges me for them. And that's not even mentioning the big job right now. I'm considering my days off to be the days I go to school, which I guess means I don't really have any down time, but then again I'm not working past 6, so I have my evenings. Not that I don't feel constantly guilty about not working at night. 

I also need to really get back into ebaying everything I don't absolutely need. So that's another thing I should be doing.

Money is a pain in the arse. Wish I could go back to 15 year old me and give her the dream of being something easy, rather than this.

This wasn't meant to be such a complain-y post. I only started writing it because it suddenly occurred to me how out of character I have been over the past few days by going to bed so early. 

Gokusen II & Ouran High School Host Club

Woah. I haven't done a review post since July. That means its taken me just over three months to watch Gokusen II. The series I watched before Gokusen II, Buzzer Beat, took me a week to complete.

Its not that I didn't enjoy it, it just didn't keep me hooked. To be honest, it was all a bit same-y. Not just within the series, but to the previous series too. Class gets in to trouble, Yankumi saves them and in the process teaches them to be better human beings. They all graduate together even though every single one of them has been expelled and reinstated numerous times.

I still really enjoy the subtleties of the series though. Its so hard to explain unless you see it for yourself, but some things make you laugh out loud even though they are only hinted at or sometimes even totally ignored, and it is this that makes the repetitiveness worth it. Such as the Yakuza henchmen suddenly flaring up in anger at something that has been said against Yankumi, acting all tough and scary, and then retreating passively just as suddenly after a single look. Like I said, you need to see it really to understand. Its just constantly amusing. Another point about Gokusen is that in comparison to the other series I have watched, its just so old. It was aired in 2005 or something like that, so everything just looks a little dated now, especially the 'rebel' look of class 3D.

Obviously, some of the cast were in the first series, so there's your Gokusen link. One of the main guys, Ryu was in Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge and Nobuta wo Produce. His friend, Tsuchiya, was Night the human robot who broke my heart in Zettai Kareshi. Apparently Shiratori-sensei was in Kimi wa Petto, but I can't place her, neither can I remember Baba-sensei in Tokyo Dogs, although it explains why he looked so familiar.

I also had been watching Ouran High School Host Club and Hana Kimi Remake on a weekly basis, and both have now finished, although the last two episodes of Hana Kimi are still being subbed, so I'll review that when I have actually seen all of it. Although, just as a taster, my impressions of it improved greatly after the first episode. But as for Ouran, loved it. So similar to the anime, and just as over the top, but it didn't ruin it. I just really enjoyed it. Similar to so many of the other J-drama's, it was easy to watch and enjoyable, but didn't stick with me enough to make me watch it again, probably.

It's about a poor scholarship student, Haruhi, who accidentally knocks over a vase and is forced to pay off her debt by working in the school's host club, even though she is a girl. The plot mostly focus' on her relationship with the rest of the club, especially Tamaki, the club's Prince that is clearly in love with her but refuses to admit it, instead pretending to be a father figure.

Yeah, I agree, that's a bit weird. Especially when he also refers to his best friend as 'Mother' and the rest of the Club as Haruhi's brothers. He did have family issues though. Everyone in J-drama's have family issues.

Haruhi was apparently in Tokyo Dogs. Tamaki was in Hana Kimi and Atashinchi no Danshi. 'Mother' Kyoya was apparently also in Hana Kimi and Nobuta. Mori was apparently in Zettai Kareshi, and Hikaru and Karou were in Mei-chan. I can't be bothered to look anyone else up right now.


Next is Ikemen Desu Ne. I'm skipping back the list a bit, because this one came in and jumped the charts even though its only just finished airing. Its a remake of a Korean drama, and I know Ikemen basically means hot men in Japanese, so I'm very hopeful that I'll enjoy this.

I have just realised the time. Its taken me an hour and a half to write this, and its not even like I don't have to get up. I just missed blogging, and having finished Gokusen yesterday, this seemed like a good excuse. I know no one gives a crap, but I like documenting what I've been watching, so suck it.

<3 x

Drama: Ikemen Desu Ne ep 1
Manga: Hana Kimi ch 57 / Love so Life ch 7

My 1.1/5 Life Crisis

So I'm having issues at the moment.

I may have been told to, and I quote, 'think less ... and stop doubting everything', so this is my way of doing so. I'll pour my heart out on here and get it all of my chest.

Right, so here goes.

Career
To be frank, I don't really know why I am bothering. It seems to me that this career path I have chosen is a hell of a lot of work and hassle to get nothing in return but your name in the midst of a load of other people names that few people will read anyway. At the end of the day, this is not what I studied for three years at uni for, or even college. If I had known how to make contacts when I was 16, I could have done this job then, without the need to go to college or university, and now probably be in a healthier position financially as well as career wise than it is possible for me to be able to get to now. My degree was making costumes, and while I realise I have more talent in this aspect than the majority of people, I am by no means good enough to be able to call myself a professional or produce things to a professional standard.

My dream was always to be involved in films. This is where the whole of my career plan came from, the desire to somehow be part of that. I only choose the costume side of it because I was somewhat adequate at textiles at school and liked dressing up. Linked to that was my discovery of moviecostumes.org, an American website which has now either been closed down or taken over of one woman would make movie costume replicas to order, and believe me, these costumes were amazing. She stopped because she was fed up of hate due to her high prices and making the same few costumes over and over again. Anyway, I had always wanted to do this, and have harboured the idea in my heart for many years, but have always been too scared to properly make a go of it. My work isn't good enough to be able to make the costumes as perfect as I'll want them to be.

Basically, what I guess I'm trying to say is that I think I should give up. I cant afford to work 6 days a week and 14 hours a day for free. I cant afford to stubbornly hold on to making use of my degree when there is nothing I can legitimately and successfully do with it. I don't want to have to sacrifice my life for my work, which is what I would have to do if I did this full time. I wouldn't have time for friends, I wouldn't have time for family; my life would consist of get up, work, sleep, repeat. I don't want that. Maybe I should get a '9-5' normal job and be a normal person. Save up for houses and holidays and other things beginning with H. People have always told me to keep writing as a hobby, maybe I should do this with sewing as well.

Love
I'm not sure I'm really capable of this. I just find my self unable to feel anything.  I don't mean general love, I know I'm capable of that, after all I love my friends, my family, my cat and cake; but romantic love? I'm not sure. Every 'relationship' I have been in has been exactly the same; I like spending time with the person, we get on and all that, but something just isn't right, there's something quintessential missing, so I end it before the other person gets too involved.

I read an article on msn the other day, and it said something that really rang true to me. I cant remember the exact words, but it was something along the lines of 'not everybody is meant to be one half of a couple.' I think that's me. I'm far too independent and I enjoy being on my own too much to give myself over completely to someone else. My mother says that I just haven't met the right person yet, which may be true, after all, I know I'm still young, but 22 and never been in love? I have always thought that there are two types of people; the people who are always in relationships, jumping from one long term relationship to the next; and those who are always single, jumping from one long term spell of singledom to the next. I'm one of the latter. Maybe there is just something in me that makes me unsuitable to be in a relationship.

John Green's book 'An Abundance of Katherines' is about the main character coming up with a theorem regarding 'dumpers' and 'dumpees'. I know I'm a dumper, but I always used to think it was a fear of commitment. At the first sign of things getting serious, and I display man-like tendencies and leg it. Now, I'm starting to wonder if its more the fact that I'm just not girlfriend material. I don't feel comfortable in relationships because I'm better suited to being single. I'm not saying that this option is what I want, far from it, I want the husband/children/house/cat thing so much, but maybe I just have to accept the fact that this isn't going to happen for me.


I guess these are the two main things that are affecting me right now, and both are going to come under serious reconsideration after I have done this shoot. I'm sorry for venting out my heart on here, but you know, I do feel better for it.

<3 x

Anime/Manga: 37 (Kaichou ep 17 / Faster than a Kiss ch 30)
Last Google Search: TRAIN STATIONS WALSALL (oooh all caps, she must not be impressed)