... and I'm scared.
We start shooting tomorrow, and even though I have been spending so much time preparing for it this week, I in absolutely no way feel adequately prepared. I have all my notes, I have my schedules, I have my breakdowns, I even managed to swipe a new script seen as the production assistant seems to have neglected to send me one even though I have pestered her for it (which, incidentally caused me to have to retype out a whole scene for the breakdown rather than just copy and pasting it over, which was work I could have done without) so I am as ready as I'll ever be, I think, but still. I think I'll feel happier when I can get all the costumes on a rail and sorted out into order, rather than just being told 'so and so will be wearing this' but having not yet seen anything.
It should be a good first day though, it seems quite an easy one to settle everyone in, as I think for a lot of the crew it will be their first time on a set. Its quite a short shooting day, with a call time of 2pm and wrap of 11.30pm, which would be awesome if not for the fact that the last train goes at 20 past and that the next day's call time is likely to be about 7 am. Joy.
They have said they may be hauling the crew in as extras, so I may get to be an actress yet. HA HA. Yeah, that's soooo likely.
I cant help but feel that I am forgetting something so stupidly obvious and awe inspiring huge, that when I remember it, which will undoubtedly be too late, I'll actually want to jump off a building because I'll be so frustrated and annoyed at myself, and everyone will shout at me and hate me for the rest of the shoot. Fingers crossed that doesn't happen, right?
Yes, by the way, in case you're wondering, I am writing this to try and talk myself out of a minor freak out.
I think I'll have to watch some teenie rom com anime to calm myself down. I don't know why these things amuse me so much when I would be disgusted with myself if they were live action.
<3 x
Anime/Manga: 39 (Ouran High School Host Club ep 3 / Watashi ni xx Shinasai ch 7)
Last Google Search: Apparently ever since I started adding this footnote in, I don't search anything amusing anymore, so I think I'll have to cut it out.
Monday 18 October 2010
Wednesday 13 October 2010
How Lovely
I just looked at my last post, and noticed this:
I have such a way with words...
<3 x
"I ignored all my previous uncertainty and emotionally vomited all over this blog."
I have such a way with words...
<3 x
Untitled ...
Maybe I shouldn't just spill my guts out online.
A few posts ago, you may remember that I was ummm-ing and ahhh-ing about how much of my own personal life I should put up here, how much I should display of myself when I don't really know who is reading this. The other day, in mid-meltdown, I ignored all my previous uncertainty and emotionally vomited all over this blog. For that, I apologise.
The reason I say this is that Elle called me yesterday, worried after having read my last post. I guess I just want to reiterate that I'm OK, I just needed to vent, and this blog is a good platform to do so. As far as I am aware, my only readers are two people who I trust completely and unconditionally, and so are more than likely to already know about anything I share on here prior to me posting it.
In other news, my shoot has just been extended by a week. I'm really not sure what to think about this, as having made up my mind to probably look into other career paths, the whole thing kind of feels a bit redundant. Not that I'm not trying my best and taking the experience for as much as I can, of course.
The main down side is nanowrimo. I want so much to be able to do it this year, but I just don't see how I'm going to manage it when I'll be so busy for the first two weeks of the month. I think what I'll have to do is spend the whole day thinking about what I'm going to write, planning it all out in detail, and then when I get home I can just blurt it all out in record time. I have decided I'm going to carry on my novel from last year, but where it was originally meant to be all one book, I'll leave last years where it is as part one completed, and make this years nano part two. That way I don't have to do much planning as I already know my characters, setting and general plot line. I know from last year that I can write 1000 words in an hour, so all I really need is a maximum of 2 hours writing time a day, which can be at bed time as I'm trying to wind down, and I should be able to make it. If I don't manage to keep up, at least I have the last two weeks to really pound it out to catch up, even if I have to sacrifice my social life during November and make caffeine and sleep deprivation my new best friends.
Winning last year was a huge buzz, and that was with only working part time for the last two weeks, so really I had so much writing time that I didn't fully appreciate then. I just think it will be so much more of an achievement to win this year, and I will be so proud of myself.
I hope this is inspiring you, Eleanor. If I can do it, so can you, and if we don't, then at least we have tried! Make sure you link me to your nano profile so I can keep track of you :-p. Mine is here.
OK, I think that's enough for today.
<3 x
Anime/Manga: 38 (Kaichou ep 18 / trying to find a new one)
Last Google Search: it's empty as my laptop was in 'professional' mode at the office, hand covering the smosh sticker at all times haha
A few posts ago, you may remember that I was ummm-ing and ahhh-ing about how much of my own personal life I should put up here, how much I should display of myself when I don't really know who is reading this. The other day, in mid-meltdown, I ignored all my previous uncertainty and emotionally vomited all over this blog. For that, I apologise.
The reason I say this is that Elle called me yesterday, worried after having read my last post. I guess I just want to reiterate that I'm OK, I just needed to vent, and this blog is a good platform to do so. As far as I am aware, my only readers are two people who I trust completely and unconditionally, and so are more than likely to already know about anything I share on here prior to me posting it.
In other news, my shoot has just been extended by a week. I'm really not sure what to think about this, as having made up my mind to probably look into other career paths, the whole thing kind of feels a bit redundant. Not that I'm not trying my best and taking the experience for as much as I can, of course.
The main down side is nanowrimo. I want so much to be able to do it this year, but I just don't see how I'm going to manage it when I'll be so busy for the first two weeks of the month. I think what I'll have to do is spend the whole day thinking about what I'm going to write, planning it all out in detail, and then when I get home I can just blurt it all out in record time. I have decided I'm going to carry on my novel from last year, but where it was originally meant to be all one book, I'll leave last years where it is as part one completed, and make this years nano part two. That way I don't have to do much planning as I already know my characters, setting and general plot line. I know from last year that I can write 1000 words in an hour, so all I really need is a maximum of 2 hours writing time a day, which can be at bed time as I'm trying to wind down, and I should be able to make it. If I don't manage to keep up, at least I have the last two weeks to really pound it out to catch up, even if I have to sacrifice my social life during November and make caffeine and sleep deprivation my new best friends.
Winning last year was a huge buzz, and that was with only working part time for the last two weeks, so really I had so much writing time that I didn't fully appreciate then. I just think it will be so much more of an achievement to win this year, and I will be so proud of myself.
I hope this is inspiring you, Eleanor. If I can do it, so can you, and if we don't, then at least we have tried! Make sure you link me to your nano profile so I can keep track of you :-p. Mine is here.
OK, I think that's enough for today.
<3 x
Anime/Manga: 38 (Kaichou ep 18 / trying to find a new one)
Last Google Search: it's empty as my laptop was in 'professional' mode at the office, hand covering the smosh sticker at all times haha
Tuesday 12 October 2010
My 1.1/5 Life Crisis
So I'm having issues at the moment.
I may have been told to, and I quote, 'think less ... and stop doubting everything', so this is my way of doing so. I'll pour my heart out on here and get it all of my chest.
Right, so here goes.
Career
To be frank, I don't really know why I am bothering. It seems to me that this career path I have chosen is a hell of a lot of work and hassle to get nothing in return but your name in the midst of a load of other people names that few people will read anyway. At the end of the day, this is not what I studied for three years at uni for, or even college. If I had known how to make contacts when I was 16, I could have done this job then, without the need to go to college or university, and now probably be in a healthier position financially as well as career wise than it is possible for me to be able to get to now. My degree was making costumes, and while I realise I have more talent in this aspect than the majority of people, I am by no means good enough to be able to call myself a professional or produce things to a professional standard.
My dream was always to be involved in films. This is where the whole of my career plan came from, the desire to somehow be part of that. I only choose the costume side of it because I was somewhat adequate at textiles at school and liked dressing up. Linked to that was my discovery of moviecostumes.org, an American website which has now either been closed down or taken over of one woman would make movie costume replicas to order, and believe me, these costumes were amazing. She stopped because she was fed up of hate due to her high prices and making the same few costumes over and over again. Anyway, I had always wanted to do this, and have harboured the idea in my heart for many years, but have always been too scared to properly make a go of it. My work isn't good enough to be able to make the costumes as perfect as I'll want them to be.
Basically, what I guess I'm trying to say is that I think I should give up. I cant afford to work 6 days a week and 14 hours a day for free. I cant afford to stubbornly hold on to making use of my degree when there is nothing I can legitimately and successfully do with it. I don't want to have to sacrifice my life for my work, which is what I would have to do if I did this full time. I wouldn't have time for friends, I wouldn't have time for family; my life would consist of get up, work, sleep, repeat. I don't want that. Maybe I should get a '9-5' normal job and be a normal person. Save up for houses and holidays and other things beginning with H. People have always told me to keep writing as a hobby, maybe I should do this with sewing as well.
Love
I'm not sure I'm really capable of this. I just find my self unable to feel anything. I don't mean general love, I know I'm capable of that, after all I love my friends, my family, my cat and cake; but romantic love? I'm not sure. Every 'relationship' I have been in has been exactly the same; I like spending time with the person, we get on and all that, but something just isn't right, there's something quintessential missing, so I end it before the other person gets too involved.
I read an article on msn the other day, and it said something that really rang true to me. I cant remember the exact words, but it was something along the lines of 'not everybody is meant to be one half of a couple.' I think that's me. I'm far too independent and I enjoy being on my own too much to give myself over completely to someone else. My mother says that I just haven't met the right person yet, which may be true, after all, I know I'm still young, but 22 and never been in love? I have always thought that there are two types of people; the people who are always in relationships, jumping from one long term relationship to the next; and those who are always single, jumping from one long term spell of singledom to the next. I'm one of the latter. Maybe there is just something in me that makes me unsuitable to be in a relationship.
John Green's book 'An Abundance of Katherines' is about the main character coming up with a theorem regarding 'dumpers' and 'dumpees'. I know I'm a dumper, but I always used to think it was a fear of commitment. At the first sign of things getting serious, and I display man-like tendencies and leg it. Now, I'm starting to wonder if its more the fact that I'm just not girlfriend material. I don't feel comfortable in relationships because I'm better suited to being single. I'm not saying that this option is what I want, far from it, I want the husband/children/house/cat thing so much, but maybe I just have to accept the fact that this isn't going to happen for me.
I guess these are the two main things that are affecting me right now, and both are going to come under serious reconsideration after I have done this shoot. I'm sorry for venting out my heart on here, but you know, I do feel better for it.
<3 x
Anime/Manga: 37 (Kaichou ep 17 / Faster than a Kiss ch 30)
Last Google Search: TRAIN STATIONS WALSALL (oooh all caps, she must not be impressed)
I may have been told to, and I quote, 'think less ... and stop doubting everything', so this is my way of doing so. I'll pour my heart out on here and get it all of my chest.
Right, so here goes.
Career
To be frank, I don't really know why I am bothering. It seems to me that this career path I have chosen is a hell of a lot of work and hassle to get nothing in return but your name in the midst of a load of other people names that few people will read anyway. At the end of the day, this is not what I studied for three years at uni for, or even college. If I had known how to make contacts when I was 16, I could have done this job then, without the need to go to college or university, and now probably be in a healthier position financially as well as career wise than it is possible for me to be able to get to now. My degree was making costumes, and while I realise I have more talent in this aspect than the majority of people, I am by no means good enough to be able to call myself a professional or produce things to a professional standard.
My dream was always to be involved in films. This is where the whole of my career plan came from, the desire to somehow be part of that. I only choose the costume side of it because I was somewhat adequate at textiles at school and liked dressing up. Linked to that was my discovery of moviecostumes.org, an American website which has now either been closed down or taken over of one woman would make movie costume replicas to order, and believe me, these costumes were amazing. She stopped because she was fed up of hate due to her high prices and making the same few costumes over and over again. Anyway, I had always wanted to do this, and have harboured the idea in my heart for many years, but have always been too scared to properly make a go of it. My work isn't good enough to be able to make the costumes as perfect as I'll want them to be.
Basically, what I guess I'm trying to say is that I think I should give up. I cant afford to work 6 days a week and 14 hours a day for free. I cant afford to stubbornly hold on to making use of my degree when there is nothing I can legitimately and successfully do with it. I don't want to have to sacrifice my life for my work, which is what I would have to do if I did this full time. I wouldn't have time for friends, I wouldn't have time for family; my life would consist of get up, work, sleep, repeat. I don't want that. Maybe I should get a '9-5' normal job and be a normal person. Save up for houses and holidays and other things beginning with H. People have always told me to keep writing as a hobby, maybe I should do this with sewing as well.
Love
I'm not sure I'm really capable of this. I just find my self unable to feel anything. I don't mean general love, I know I'm capable of that, after all I love my friends, my family, my cat and cake; but romantic love? I'm not sure. Every 'relationship' I have been in has been exactly the same; I like spending time with the person, we get on and all that, but something just isn't right, there's something quintessential missing, so I end it before the other person gets too involved.
I read an article on msn the other day, and it said something that really rang true to me. I cant remember the exact words, but it was something along the lines of 'not everybody is meant to be one half of a couple.' I think that's me. I'm far too independent and I enjoy being on my own too much to give myself over completely to someone else. My mother says that I just haven't met the right person yet, which may be true, after all, I know I'm still young, but 22 and never been in love? I have always thought that there are two types of people; the people who are always in relationships, jumping from one long term relationship to the next; and those who are always single, jumping from one long term spell of singledom to the next. I'm one of the latter. Maybe there is just something in me that makes me unsuitable to be in a relationship.
John Green's book 'An Abundance of Katherines' is about the main character coming up with a theorem regarding 'dumpers' and 'dumpees'. I know I'm a dumper, but I always used to think it was a fear of commitment. At the first sign of things getting serious, and I display man-like tendencies and leg it. Now, I'm starting to wonder if its more the fact that I'm just not girlfriend material. I don't feel comfortable in relationships because I'm better suited to being single. I'm not saying that this option is what I want, far from it, I want the husband/children/house/cat thing so much, but maybe I just have to accept the fact that this isn't going to happen for me.
I guess these are the two main things that are affecting me right now, and both are going to come under serious reconsideration after I have done this shoot. I'm sorry for venting out my heart on here, but you know, I do feel better for it.
<3 x
Anime/Manga: 37 (Kaichou ep 17 / Faster than a Kiss ch 30)
Last Google Search: TRAIN STATIONS WALSALL (oooh all caps, she must not be impressed)
Saturday 9 October 2010
COOL
I more feel like I should blog than actually have something to share.
This week should have been good. My parents were away, so I had a completely free house to play in, and a list of things I wanted to do. But you know me, blog readers, I am nothing but awesome at procrastinating. Therefore, everything I had planned to do has only been half done, and now my parents are home tomorrow, so I wont have time to complete my aims unhindered. Bother.
I watched Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift this evening. Now, you know about my little all things Japanese obsession that I am entertaining at this moment in time, but you know, Japanese people are so cool.
OK, maybe not all Japanese people, but the cool Japanese people.
I mean, look at this guy. He is like so 'Yeah, I'm Japanese' and 'Yeah, I'm cool' and 'Yeah, I know it'. We can skip over the fact that he is also 'Yeah, I'm a pretty boy and increasingly lack masculinity the more you look at me.' I don't care. I like his hair.
Do you remember that hair product advert where the generic school boy and girl put on the gel or what have you and become super cool, and the teacher is like 'WTF'? Well, yeah, like that.
At this point, I feel like I should point out that when you google image 'cool Japanese guy', you don't get any cool Japanese guys, you get a load of weirdos, Hiro from Heroes, Jin from Lost who is in fact KOREAN, and Brad Pitt who is about as much of a Japanese cool guy as my father.
I fear I have written 'cool' too much in this post. Maybe I should use kakkoii instead.
Googling 'cool in Japanese' to check the above spelling brings up a Japanese Slang dictionary which informed me that 'Kono Kusoutare (このくそったれ)' means 'You have shit around your asshole', which is just lovely.
I think that's a good place to stop. This is a random post. Apologies. Goodbye.
<3 x
Anime/Manga: 37 (Kaichou ep 14/Faster than a kiss ch 17)
Last Google Search: Cool in Japanese
This week should have been good. My parents were away, so I had a completely free house to play in, and a list of things I wanted to do. But you know me, blog readers, I am nothing but awesome at procrastinating. Therefore, everything I had planned to do has only been half done, and now my parents are home tomorrow, so I wont have time to complete my aims unhindered. Bother.
I watched Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift this evening. Now, you know about my little all things Japanese obsession that I am entertaining at this moment in time, but you know, Japanese people are so cool.
OK, maybe not all Japanese people, but the cool Japanese people.I mean, look at this guy. He is like so 'Yeah, I'm Japanese' and 'Yeah, I'm cool' and 'Yeah, I know it'. We can skip over the fact that he is also 'Yeah, I'm a pretty boy and increasingly lack masculinity the more you look at me.' I don't care. I like his hair.Do you remember that hair product advert where the generic school boy and girl put on the gel or what have you and become super cool, and the teacher is like 'WTF'? Well, yeah, like that.
At this point, I feel like I should point out that when you google image 'cool Japanese guy', you don't get any cool Japanese guys, you get a load of weirdos, Hiro from Heroes, Jin from Lost who is in fact KOREAN, and Brad Pitt who is about as much of a Japanese cool guy as my father.
I fear I have written 'cool' too much in this post. Maybe I should use kakkoii instead.
Googling 'cool in Japanese' to check the above spelling brings up a Japanese Slang dictionary which informed me that 'Kono Kusoutare (このくそったれ)' means 'You have shit around your asshole', which is just lovely.
I think that's a good place to stop. This is a random post. Apologies. Goodbye.
<3 x
Anime/Manga: 37 (Kaichou ep 14/Faster than a kiss ch 17)
Last Google Search: Cool in Japanese
Monday 4 October 2010
Singapore
A close friend of mine is currently vacationing in Singapore. I never really understood why she decided to go there; although its a name I'm familiar with, I don't really know much about the country, and my assumptions were always less than positive. For example, I always assumed it was one of the poorer Asian countries, less developed than China or Japan, without much to draw people there.
However, I just googled it, and I have to admit, I'm surprised. Not only its it far more socially advanced than I had assumed, it is also far less cultural.
By this, I don't mean to imply for a second that Singapore doesn't have it own culture, but rather that its culture is much less Singaporean than I had imagined. Instead, from what I have read, it is a more a mix of British, Chinese, and Indian influences. Its main language is English, rather than its native Malay. In fact, over 42% of the population aren't even native to the country. For a country that has only been independent for 45 years, it doesn't seem that individual to me.
I'm not sure what the point of this post is. I guess I just wanted to share my findings. Mostly, I'm surprised that she chose Singapore over Thailand. I know where I would rather go.
Singapore
Thailand
However, I just googled it, and I have to admit, I'm surprised. Not only its it far more socially advanced than I had assumed, it is also far less cultural.
By this, I don't mean to imply for a second that Singapore doesn't have it own culture, but rather that its culture is much less Singaporean than I had imagined. Instead, from what I have read, it is a more a mix of British, Chinese, and Indian influences. Its main language is English, rather than its native Malay. In fact, over 42% of the population aren't even native to the country. For a country that has only been independent for 45 years, it doesn't seem that individual to me.
I'm not sure what the point of this post is. I guess I just wanted to share my findings. Mostly, I'm surprised that she chose Singapore over Thailand. I know where I would rather go.
Singapore
Thailand
<3 x
Manga: 37 (Kaichou ep 9, rereading Desire Climax ch 37)
Last Google Search: Singapore (no shit)
Manga: 37 (Kaichou ep 9, rereading Desire Climax ch 37)
Last Google Search: Singapore (no shit)
Three Parts
This post comes in three parts.
One
I finally have a start date for the three week film shoot in Birmingham! Its quite soon, and I have been warned that I'll need to hit the ground running, but I'm just so glad to finally have something solid to work towards. When I first was approached about this job, I was told they didn't have enough to provide pay or even expenses, but now they will cover expenses so this makes it even more exciting! I don't care that its unpaid at this time, as long as I get more work from it, and don't lose money, then its all good! Its the nature of the industry, unfortunately.
Two
My mother keeps giving me inappropriate 'talks'. Just because she is going away for the week, leaving me home alone, she seems to think I'm going to have wild parties filled with sex, drugs and burn down the house or something.
Does she not know me at all? Well ... to be fair, the burning the house down thing probably is a legitimate concern.
Seriously though, I'm not impressed with the whole 'don't do anything you'll regret' shizz she keeps spouting.
Three
I miss Elle.
I have had fajitas twice since she left, and both times they have paled in comparison to the awesomeness of The Elle and Heather Saturday Night Fun Times Fajita Floor Parties.
Also, I need new clothes and now feel unqualified to shop without her.
However, I cant blame her for wanting to be down there when she can EFFING WATCH PIRATES 4 BEING FILMED. I hope you managed to find costume and give them my number, Neilan.
That is all.
<3 x
Manga: 37 (Kaichou ep 9)
Last Google Search: Arjun and Alison (You should google this too)
One
I finally have a start date for the three week film shoot in Birmingham! Its quite soon, and I have been warned that I'll need to hit the ground running, but I'm just so glad to finally have something solid to work towards. When I first was approached about this job, I was told they didn't have enough to provide pay or even expenses, but now they will cover expenses so this makes it even more exciting! I don't care that its unpaid at this time, as long as I get more work from it, and don't lose money, then its all good! Its the nature of the industry, unfortunately.
Two
My mother keeps giving me inappropriate 'talks'. Just because she is going away for the week, leaving me home alone, she seems to think I'm going to have wild parties filled with sex, drugs and burn down the house or something.
Does she not know me at all? Well ... to be fair, the burning the house down thing probably is a legitimate concern.
Seriously though, I'm not impressed with the whole 'don't do anything you'll regret' shizz she keeps spouting.
Three
I miss Elle.
I have had fajitas twice since she left, and both times they have paled in comparison to the awesomeness of The Elle and Heather Saturday Night Fun Times Fajita Floor Parties.
Also, I need new clothes and now feel unqualified to shop without her.
However, I cant blame her for wanting to be down there when she can EFFING WATCH PIRATES 4 BEING FILMED. I hope you managed to find costume and give them my number, Neilan.
That is all.
<3 x
Manga: 37 (Kaichou ep 9)
Last Google Search: Arjun and Alison (You should google this too)
Sunday 3 October 2010
BOO
I was just browsing the interwebs, checking the blogs that I have bookmarked, when I came across this post by the lovely Johnny Durham, who, despite his lack of internet presence over the past year, remains probably my all-time favourite youtuber. He is attempting BEDO, Blog EveryDay in October, so I have decided to go for BOO, or Blog Occasionally in October, as I know full well I will not manage everyday, but blog occasionally I can do. I managed very well with BOA. Not so much during September; I think I need a title to work to.
In other news, I was told to get a tumblr, so I did. I don't really get the whole thing, but I figure I'll use it for things too long to tweet, but not as personal as the things I put on this blog. Basically, here I just type whatever is on my mind and post, but on there I'll be a bit more self conscious.
<3 x
Manga: 37 (Watching Kaichou wa Maid-sama ep 9)
Last Google Search: Insect Superheroes
In other news, I was told to get a tumblr, so I did. I don't really get the whole thing, but I figure I'll use it for things too long to tweet, but not as personal as the things I put on this blog. Basically, here I just type whatever is on my mind and post, but on there I'll be a bit more self conscious.
<3 x
Manga: 37 (Watching Kaichou wa Maid-sama ep 9)
Last Google Search: Insect Superheroes
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)