Pre Sleep Nap

Does anyone else have a little nap before settling down to sleep?

When I was younger and cared more for convenience than my skin, I used to do my entire night time skin routine from my bed, which was easy because it consisted solely of a single make up wipe. Sometimes though, wiping my face was too arduous a task, so I would often have a little nap, then wake up to take off my make up before settling down to sleep properly.

Now, my night time skin care routine is done in the bathroom, so when I get into bed, all I really have  to do is fall asleep, but still I do sometimes find myself deciding on a little pre sleep nap before I shuffle from head propped up while I'm on my iPad, to full reclined for sleep. Sometimes it's a pre sleep nap before getting up for a pre sleep wee.

The whole purpose of this post is just to let you know that sometimes I sleep before I go to sleep.

bzzzzzzz

For some reason, even though it's late and I should be going to sleep, I feel really wired. In an uneasy sort of way. I can't quite explain it, but I just feel on edge. It's strange. It's like I've just drunk a load of full fat coke, or I'm at the front of the queue for a really big roller coaster. Or both together, because you need to throw in the anxiety of throwing up too. I don't know why. I stay away from caffeine, and all I have done is get ready for bed. I should be pretty chilled out and ready to sleep. But no. I could literally run right now.

I would have watched another episode of 'I'm not a Robot' to see if that would calm me down, but I'm caught up and I don't want to pay to get access to episodes earlier, although I'm increasingly tempted. Adverts are annoying, plus some series are only available to premium users, but its money I don't need to spend. Luckily, often dramas air two episodes a week, and I'm not far off the finale. I'll wait to see how long I can hold out.

I was thinking about what my aim for February could be. I'm torn between doing 15 mins of exercise a day, or an hour of language study. Ideally I would like to do both, but I need to be realistic and set achievable goals. Maybe I could do both but on alternate days. I finally moved my book cases down to my dining room yesterday, so as soon as I have tidied up the table, it's all set up as a space for making, planning, learning and finally getting myself on the rowing machine - which may be another reason for paying for premium access on Viki ... can't skip ads when I'm rowing.

Reuniting with Yasmin

I meant to blog yesterday. I had a post figured out in my head and everything, but I ended up in bed by 9.30 and asleep by 10.30, and seeing as I normally post between 11 and 12.30, I kind of missed my chance.

I went to the doctors yesterday. I took myself off the pill 8 months ago, and wanted to discuss my lack of cycle and how that relates to my fertility, as well as how to manage the symptoms of PCOS that I've been struggling with. She basically told me that we'd worry about my fertility when I'm actively trying for a baby, and in the mean time, I should just go back on the pill.

In a lot of ways, it makes sense. Being on the pill managed my mood and my skin, the two things I've struggled with most since coming off of it. It never particularly had an effect on my weight, so I don't think it'll help there much, but Yasmin does have a reputation for weight loss. It's also healthier to have periods rather than not, and I guess seeing as my body can't seem to do that on its own, I need to make it do it somehow.

However, I do feel a bit fobbed off. The doctors answer to all of my concerns were that we would come back to it when I'm trying to get pregnant. She told me that there's no proof that diets or supplements help, and that there is basically nothing that could be done to help me manage my symptoms or re-establish a cycle in the time before I do start trying. I might as well mask it all with the pill instead.

I always knew that PCOS was incurable. Taking the pill doesn't help the problem, it just hides the symptoms. I could argue that it made things worse - it's a little tough to judge, it was so long ago. I certainly don't remember my cycle being this sparse, not to mention the cystic acne and mood swings.

I guess I still hoped that something could be done to help though. I think my appointment with the homeopath/nutritionist/medical herbalist person got my hopes up, with her promises that she could make everything better.

There's a part of me that wanted the doctor to give me a simple yes or no as to whether it was even an option for me to try. I can't help but feel that it's not. After all, no periods mean no ovulation, and no ovulation means no baby. I don't know what the point is if I can't have a child.

Umshik

Today I finally plucked up the courage to do something I've been wanting to do for months.

Not long after I moved here, I discovered that my local supermarket had a world foods aisle that featured an Asian section. Not that surprising, you might say, but this section had Korean stuff. I have never seen Korean food items in a supermarket before. I was very excited.

You see, Korean food just isn't a popular cuisine where I live, so I have no idea of the flavours or style of Korean cooking. Bearing in mind I very much want to go there one day, it's generally a good idea to try to familiarise yourself with the local cuisine first. Also, I'm pretty fed up of cooking the same things over and over again - I want to try cooking something new.

Anyway, I discovered a select choice of Korean snacks and ingredients. However, for some reason, I could not bring myself to actually buy anything. I can't explain why, but every time I went into the world food aisle, I would look, but then chicken out before I could pick anything off the shelves. It was nonsense, but I couldn't snap out of it. I visited this aisle every time I went into this supermarket for months.

Today, after half a pint of cider after work, I decided that today was going to be my day. I needed butter so there was my excuse to go to the supermarket in the first place, and I would also at least buy some ramyun and a tub of gochujang.

So I did.

And then I giggled the whole way home.

The one

There is always one, isn't there, that one person who can still send you a little bit giddy with an out of the blue text. Someone who can you flirt harmlessly with, someone who will boost your self confidence a little, but will ultimately disappear, but that's ok. Sometimes you get upset or annoyed, but you forget very quickly because you were never in deep enough for it to matter really. It's just nice to be reminded of the past sometimes.

Other out of the blue texts are met with disdain and suspicion, mixed with confusion and curiosity, and those never end as happily because you did get in too deep there and too many feelings got involved.

I was going to go for a walk today, do some more reminiscing, but then it was drizzly, and then it was snowy, and then it was too late. I had planned to watch Phantom of the Opera and/or Lord of the Rings, but ended up watching neither. I was also going to do some washing, which I did actually do, so that's one thing achieved at least. Now I've fallen into that time black hole where you go to bed and somehow it's 3 hours later before you actually get into bed.

One day I'm going to post without editing so you can see what my iPad thinks I'm trying to type.

Time

I very nearly went to bed before 7pm this evening. Not to sleep, but I couldn't really be bothered to be awake anymore. It was only because I found a film to watch that I didn't. When that film finished,   I decided to watch the film on straight afterwards. So that somehow, it's now half 11 and my early night has turned into a late one.

It's weird how that happens. Time generally is quite weird. It doesn't matter how long I give myself to get ready in the morning, I will still be rushing in the last 5 minutes. Time goes so slowly when nothing is going on, but as soon as you don't want it go go quickly, it's gone in a flash.

I'm quite tired and my mistyping is throwing up some very interesting results. The sorts of mistakes where autocorrect does nothing. I'm nearly at the point where I can't be bothered to change them, so we'll call it a night I think.

In other news, fairly certain Agi scratched "hi" into my hand. So now she's reading and writing.

Dear Diary

Agi is being very cute at the moment. She's a kitten, so she's always cute, but especially so at the moment. I'm in bed, and she's put herself on my pillow with her head on my shoulder, and she's watching drama with me. She's like a little parrot. It's very sweet. I'd post a photo but neither of us have our make up on. The only downside is that when she twitches her ear, it's right next to my ear, so it's kind of noisy.

I found out today that my mum and sister have both been reading this blog. Hi mum. Hi Jo. I have been very much writing this with the mentality that no-one I know will read it - it's more serving a purpose of just being a space for me to write about anything I want, an online journal documenting what's going through my head as opposed to what I'm doing. You both write diaries, so I suppose it's kind of similar. But you are reading mine.

I finished Degree of Love. I don't think I'll do a review post, I just cannot be bothered with the faff of it. I enjoyed it but I wish that the second male lead had shaken things up a little more. I'd watch it again. I'm already on to the next one, I'm Not A Robot. It's not finished yet so fingers crossed I don't catch up before I can watch it all. I hope Agi doesn't mind if I watch it without her.

She's just really randomly started purring, right as I was writing about her. Agi, can you read??

She sighed...

Sharing

Agi just knocked my deodorant off my bedside table and into the bin. I better remember to get it back out. She's also covered in dust, because she gets into places I can't reach. You know that's a massive lie. What I really mean is that she goes in places that I can't be bothered to dust. Which is fine, because now she is doing it for me. My bedside lamps have never looked so shiny.

I was thinking the other day, I restarted this blog because my old posts amused me so much. I don't know whether I've changed or whether they're too recent, but I feel as if my posts lately aren't as fun. I feel like they're all a bit depressing really.

I was also thinking about how often I regret not thinking before I speak. You see, I'm an open person, I tell everyone everything. Which is fine until you tell people something you don't want to share, or tell something to someone you didn't want to share it with. Sometimes it's just a bit embarrassing, oversharing when no one really needs that amount of detail , like when I told ALL of my colleagues exactly what the gynaecological operation I was having would entail while waiting for a taxi home from the Christmas party. Sometimes it's telling someone something that I'd promised myself that I would keep to private. A lot of the time though, it's the stuff that's going through my head that doesn't need to be, and absolutely shouldn't be, heard by anyone else.  All happen to me more than I wish they would. Sometimes, my inner thoughts need to stay in my head. I think it's something I need to work on. Think before you speak, Heather.

I'm going to book end this post with my cat. I was starting to think she was going to settle down and sleep next to me, which would have been so sweet, but actually she was just stalking my hand. I know this because she's currently hanging off it while I try to type.

Haru

It's been very close to a month, but I still get caught unaware and find myself with tears in my eyes.

I was just watching the last episode of Degree of Love, and one of their songs came on. It wasn't even a particularly well known one, but I recognised those vocals straight away. The scene was supposed to be funny, but still, there were tears.

Sometimes, I'm watching funny clips of them and smiling, but still, somehow, there are tears.

My instagram feed was full of clips, photos, messages. Constant reminders. Slowly things have moved on and now it's only the odd post, but that almost makes it worse. Unprepared and my heart stops, randomly finding that there are tears.

I think I'm more upset about the boys. I can watch his solo music videos and feel sad and sorry, but it's the five of them together that really gets me. It was a hard year for them, with the scandal and the backlash that kept them from performing together, even the continued controversy just days before, and now the thought that the group will never be whole again is heartbreaking. Especially when they were the only SM original line up. I'm fairly certain they would have been celebrating 10 years this year.

I'm glad they've announced that they will go on, I just hope the boys look after themselves and each other.

Wasted Weekends

I've just noticed that Agi has scratched a very clear 'A' into my hand. I'm going to take this as a sign that she approves of her name.

I'm feeling a bit woozy from having had my bath too hot. It was one of those baths where it's lovely but you have to stick an arm or leg out because it's too hot otherwise, and where you have to sit back down on the edge of the bath as soon as you stand up because you suddenly don't feel very stable. I try to have my baths hot because I know it's supposed to be good for my gynae issues, but also because I think it's good for my skin, sweating out the impurities or something. I might be wrong, maybe it's awful for me, but then how is a cold bath relaxing? Cold baths just remind me of crippling sunburn ....

My whole weekend has been leading up to this bath. Other than that, all I did was order some food shopping, change and move the cat litter out of the living room, and move her bowls into the kitchen. I saw no one. I didn't leave the house. My hair was a state and I wore comfy clothes.

This is the reality of living alone and being a combination of incredibly lazy and introverted.

For others, a wasted weekend means they went out, drunk themselves silly and then spent Sunday with a hangover.

For people like me, a wasted weekend means spending two days having accomplished absolutely zilch.

Resolutions

I didn't make any new year resolutions this year, as they seemed kind of pointless. You only break them anyway, so why bother? Normally, if I do make them, I post about them here, as a form of accountability. They are always the same. Eat healthy. Drink more water. Do more exercise. 

The resolutions of millions, and the ones most easily ignored and most quickly dropped and forgotten about. 

This year, the first of January was a Monday. New year, new month and new week. Prime time to make a change. 

So I though, yeah, I could try to be healthier - cut down on the bread, use the rowing machine ... but then because it wasn't a resolution, it didn't matter when I didn't even try. So me trying to be healthier this year got as far as me thinking about it. I have managed to drink 2 litres of red bush tea a day though, so that's a start. 

I've thought and not acted about a few other things too, the main one being setting aside an hour every day for language study. I haven't even opened an app, let alone a textbook. They're all set up and ready though, note pad and coloured pens at the ready ... gathering dust but there none the less. 

Does this mean a new year do over? No. Does it mean I'm going to try to do better? Not necessarily. It means that I am aware of my lack of will power. That doesn't mean I'm any less unhappy about my lack of progress though. 

But sometimes, it's more important to take baby steps and celebrate the small successes. Little and often is more likely to turn into habit than taking on everything all at once. 

Kitten Related Insomnia

I forgot to post again last night. Actually, that's a massive lie, I didn't forget at all, I was too tired to be bothered, exasperated by the kitten trying to smother me.

In the week and a bit since I've had Agi, I've shut her in the living room at night, as that is where her litter and food and toys have been during her settling in period. But now she's settled, I've started to move her food and litter out, and allow her more of a free roam of the house. Last night was the turn of seeing how she handled having the run of the house at night time. 

Expectation

Agi snuggles up adorably at the foot of my bed and goes to sleep.

Reality

Agi knocks everything that isn't heavier than a book off both my bedside tables. 

Agi sees her reflection in the mirror and freaks out, puffing herself up and repeatedly tries to run into the wardrobe to confront reflection Agi.

Agi pounces on my feet for half an hour straight.

Agi figures out how to get up on the window still and spends a quiet few minutes looking out of the window. 

Agi attacks my slippers. 

Agi remembers I have hair, so plonks herself behind me and pulls and chews away. 

Agi realises she isn't close enough to my face so lies on it. I push her away, she attacks my hands. I move, she lies on my face. Repeat. For about an hour. 

Agi starts to settle down, she lies in a little ball under my chin in the crook of my arm. She is very warm. I start to think maybe this is it. Then Agi realises she's not close enough to my face again, and so lies on it. I put her outside and shut the door. She meows and I feel bad but I'm asleep before the guilt sets in too much. 

Chuck in quite a lot of plonking her on the floor, and you can pretty much see what happened last night. I think I might keep her out of my bedroom for at least a little while. There was far too much bum in face and little claws for my liking. 

Product Placement

I forgot to post last night. Maybe I'll be able to catch up at some point, but I'm not worrying about it too much. This blog every day for a year thing is supposed to be for fun, not something to stress out about.

Part of me is tempted to bring back drama reviews. For one, it'll give me something to post about on the slow days, but mostly because this is a blog about my life, and dramas are a massive part of what I do in my free time. I don't know, I'll see how I feel when I finish Degree of Love.

Speaking of Degree of Love, something that always amuses me in dramas is the product placement. Sometimes it's fairly subtle, like the characters frequently eating subway or going to certain coffeee shop brands. I mean, that's not subtle at all, but it's not really distracting from the story. The funny ones are the ones that have no place in the story and are practically a sales pitch. Like in the episode I just watched, there was a really random scene in which the main character was hovering with a dyson. Some form of interaction with another character was chucked in, but for the most part, it was just a load of close ups of the vacuum cleaner. Even an extreme close up of her turning it off. They might as well have stuck one of those red star shaped price label and order number on the screen.

The industry is aware of the ridiculousness of it all, and aren't afraid to make fun of themselves for it.
The female lead in Because This Is My First Life starts the series as an assistant writer for a drama series whose whole job is to write in product placement. She has a character going around on a Segway hover board screaming in frustration. It was great.

I also really enjoyed when one drama, and I can't for the life of me remember which one, was sponsored by trip advisor, and they literally had a character book up and then leave a review for somewhere, talking the audience through the whole process. It took like 5 minutes.

Of course, I'm an absolute sucker for advertising. Series sponsored by Papa Johns or subway are a nightmare for me, and one day, I really want to drink this stuff. I don't even know what it is, but everyone drinks it and I want to drink it too.

It's probably just water.

My iPad thinks I'm a loser

I had just settled down to sleep when I realised I had forgotten to post today. I'm sleepy and I don't have anything to say so I might just do an auto complete story instead. You know, when you just go for whatever the middle option is above the keyboard? It's like having a conversation with your iPad when you don't send it to anyone. So I guess that is what this is.

The way you have to pay to play a little bit more - like you can do that. You have a lot to say about them but they don't like you. You know what you want but what I say is you know that you are not in my heart. You have a lot to do and you should do it all in a few days. You know I don't know if you are in the wrong, but you know that you have to leave.

Ok I'm going to stop now because apparently my iPad is mean and hates me.

The Manor

For some reason, I just found myself on google street view, having spent about an hour looking at the Victorian manor houses on Carroll Avenue in Los Angeles.

They're beautiful, each one unique but yet stylistically coherent with the rest of the neighbourhood. I've always said if I was to go to America, I'd want to go to San Francisco and then I would want to go see is 1329 Carroll Avenue.

What's surprising is the condition of many of the houses. They're all protected so maybe that has something to do with it, but many look a little uncared for. Slipped tiles, worn out paintwork, one even looked like it's entire porch was collapsing as the photo was being taken. Having said that, apparently they aren't even £1million houses, which is massively surprising.

If only google could show you the inside too.

Odds and sods

There really is nothing like getting into a newly changed bed, wearing fresh pjs, with cleanly shaven legs after a long hot bath. Especially after a sheet mask so your face feels really hydrated too.

It's part of a new bi weekly routine I've decided to adopt as a new year thing. I got the tea tree healing MediHeal sheet masks for Christmas, so decided to do as recommended, and do one twice a week. I am loving them so far, but maybe I'll do a review post when I have reached the end of the 4 week 'treatment' period. I've also been using the Neogen exfoliating pads, which as honestly bloody amazing, so maybe I'll do a post on that too eventually.

Mostly today I've been binge watching Degree of Love. It's so good. I like the main guy. I also like the second main guy. I wish my life was a drama. Oh to have options.

I also came across this YouTube channel, which amuses me greatly.

My arms look awful. My kitten likes to climb up them, attack them and just generally play on them, so they are covered with tiny scratches from her tiny claws. I'd mind more if she wasn't so sweet. The little monster. I'm still not set on a name. She claws the sofa sometimes, she I say 'hey hey' to get her to stop, so I'm a bit worried that she'll think that's her name, or else become like the Moana character.

Back to work tomorrow.

Oh to retire.

Vanity

Today, the guy who used to live here had to pop round to pick upper a letter, because for some reason, despite moving out 18 months ago, I still get a lot of his mail.

I didn't get much warning, so ran upstairs to, you know, try to not look like a tramp. I brushed my hair and stuck a headband on. Then I thought I should probably put on real trousers. And the I saw my face and decided that I should do something about that mess too.

Basically, I changed, re did my hair and even put on fucking make up, just because someone would be seeing me for about 5 seconds.

It wasn't even daylight.

Boring

I will never understand why blogger gave up on their app. You used to be able to still use it, but now it just crashes. So now you have to use the actual website to post, which is fine, I guess, just not as convenient as an app. For some reason, iPad is so much easier than blogging on iPhone. You'd think that mobile sites would all be the same, but I guess they can tell what type of mobile you're using now too. Technology. Scary.

I have nothing to post about today. I find myself loathe to leave the house unless I have a really good reason, like work, or a fire, so I've just been sat at home all day. I did book the kitten into the vets and myself into the doctors though, and vacuumed, so I've been slightly social and not totally inactive.

I also finished another drama. I gave up reviews a long time ago, So I'm not going to go into details, but it was good. I have a history of the shows I've completed on mydramalist, and I think I'm on 91 dramas and 5 movies or something. I have a load lined up as well, but the main problem is that DramaFever are a pain in the ass and I can't watch their original series because it's 'not available' in my country, just like pretty much everything else, hence why Viki is far superior (although I can't watch some things on Viki either for the same reason, but at least its not literally everything). Which is fine, I tend to prioritise by rating anyway, and the DramaFever series is pretty low down on the ratings, although the cuts I've seen from the first episode look pretty ... umm ... intense. I do enjoy how DramaFever advertise everything as "only on DramaFever", when 99% of it is on Viki and probably a load of less legit sites too.


Tl;dr version - my life is boring.

Names

You know, it's pretty hard to name something. There's a lot of responsibility to it. You can't really change a name - it's something that sticks, something that defines. 

Children's names aren't so much of a problem. I have always been fairly sure on my options. They've had to change slightly over time due to close friends and family choosing the same or similar names, but the main one that I've had my heart set on for literally decades remains. Seren. It was the name of a character in a Bernard Cornwell book. Welsh. It means star. 

I've been set on a pet name for years too, but even that has become more complicated. I've always loved cats, and while it took me years to get over Milo, eventually I was ready enough to want another. One night, my parents were really late coming home, and me being morbid, I was starting to worry for their safety. Eventually I managed to get hold of them, and my mum excitedly told me they were so late because they were bringing home a new member of the family. Obviously I jumped to the conclusion that they had somehow got hold of a cat, an assumption not helped by my mum very carefully carrying a large box out of the car when they finally returned home. Only it wasn't a cat. It was a Henry vacuum cleaner. Naturally, I decided then that if I ever had a male cat, I should call him Henry. Which is fine unless the name starts to grow on you, not helped by a certain Mr Lau of Super Junior. So now I'm in the situation where if I ever I have a little boy, I'm going to name him after a fucking hoover. 

Anyway, the point of this post is I now have a kitten who needs a name. She was Booties in her first and second home, but I can't be doing with such a pathetic name. Detective Mittens was a very serious contender, but even if I registered her as just Mittens, I think I'd be just as embarrassed to hear the vet shouting that out as I would for her full name. At the moment, she's Agi, but today I started to think Haru might be quite cute. 

I wanted my niece to name her, but she's two and the most inventive name she could come up with was Baby Cat. 

Tiny baby

I met a tiny baby today. Just 4 days old. So tiny, I could have held him in one hand. I didn't, in case I dropped him. Which I'm glad to say I did not.

Tiny baby has a big brother. He's 4 years old and was very much the first baby I really came across. The thought of holding him used to terrify me, and at the slightest squeak or movement, I would quickly pass him back to his parents. In fact, I can very clearly remember refusing to hold him unless I was sat down - holding such a precious being while standing up was unthinkable.

Now, many babies have come into my life since that big brother, including two nieces, and somehow, babies aren't so scary anymore. I guess practice really does make perfect. I have to admit though, I was glad for my friends having babies before my sister, purely for the fact that it made me so much more confident in holding my nieces for the first time.

Maybe by the time I have one, if that ever happens, I'll have so much experience with other people's babies that I can hold my own with just one hand.

The 10 Day Rule

I live about 2 and a half hours away from my family. You know, one of those 2 and a half hour journeys that normally takes at least 3 hours without being uncommon to reach 4 hours.

I used to head down at weekends, but soon found the sometimes 8 hour round trip too exhausting after a week of work which is quite frankly, emotionally draining.

Because of this, I made a conscious decision to only attempt that journey during school holidays. During half terms, I would have a maximum of 9 days, but more often than not somewhere in the region of 5 days. This is a good amount of time, both for me and for my family. It's long enough to see everyone plenty, but short enough that it encourages us to make the most of the time together to do fun holiday activities (despite the fact that I'm the only one on holiday). The summer holidays normally work well too, go down for a week or so at the start, and then another stint at the end of the 6/7 week break. Christmas and Easter, however, are slightly more tricky. They are longer holidays, especially Christmas, which often is 3 weeks. 3 weeks!

Something happens after 14 days. It stops being a holiday. It becomes life. When your entire family are currently retired or on maternity leave, you start to feel retired too. You start to lose your independence, sinking back into the family mind set. You've moved past the point of being annoyed into just accepting your family's idiosyncrasies. You put down anchors and have absolutely no idea that it's happening. It's not a negative thing, far from it, but it's not entirely positive either.

The problem comes when it's time to leave. It is a physical wrench to drive away, and the loneliness that greets you on the other side isn't much fun either.

I did this once, and it was so bloody hard to leave that I then decided on the 10 day rule. Visits to family should be no longer than 10 days in length. It's served me well, or at least it does when I stick to it.

17 days. I cried when I left.

Must. Remember. 10. Day. Rule.

2018

You know, I found myself in somewhat of a dilemma two weeks ago. I had just found about Jonghyun and really wanted to express my grief somewhere. Facebook was no good, nor was Twitter or instagram - they were all too full of real life friends and not often enough updated. I didn’t feel like I had anywhere to post something so personal that I wouldn’t feel judged for.

Then I remembered good old blogspot. The blog that no one really knows about, the one place where I have always been able to post whatever I want without fear of judgement.

It got me thinking, I miss blogging. I miss documenting my life here. I miss daily posting and sleep blogging and being unashamedly obsessive about whatever I’m currently being obsessed about.

So introducing Project 2018 - blogging every day this year, covering the last 6 months of my 20s and the first 6 months of my 30s.

Or at least that’s the plan ... you know me, I’m not making any promises ...