Personal crisis take 2

I am so sick of having to apologise for the simple mistake of being myself.

I know I'm mean. I make a conscious effort to change that, yet I still get attacked for it. Sure, that effort isn't as high a priority as it has been in the past, mostly because I got over my little personality crisis of a few months ago, but maybe I shouldn't have let myself get lax. I want to be a nicer person. I don't want the people I care about to tell me they don't like an aspect of my personality. It's a little detrimental to my sanity.

Along with changing my mean side, means that I need to change my sense of humour, and along with that, I have to change my reflexes. If someone tells me something, my instant reflex is to suggest something. A friend tells me she is bored at work, I tell her to do something to make it less boring. I don't expect people to do what I say, in fact, I expect them to completely ignore me. In fact, every sentence that leaves my mouth, I expect 80% to be ignored. That doesn't mean that I'm trying to fix anything. It doesn't even mean that I'm being serious. It means that I can't help but say the first thing that comes in to my mind.

Maybe this all boils down to letting someone get to close.

I hate hating myself. I hate feeling shit just because I am who I am. I hate that I feel guilty for just relaxing enough to be me.

Most of all, I hate that someone has the ability to make me cry like this just because I was trying to show interest and support.

I know that this is silly, but I needed to vent.

Ignore it.

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