Its no secret that I love loosing myself in Asian drama. I'm perfectly happy to watch the types of story that I would scoff at and criticise in western media, assuming that I even agreed to watch it, which is about as likely as me putting up my canvases this weekend.
It makes me so depressed though. I know its fiction, that its not real and that these sorts of scenarios would never happen in real life. I know this. But it doesn't stop be from feeling reality bite me in the arse over my sorry excuse for a love life.
This is difficult. I keep writing down whats in my heart, but then deciding that its too personal and deleting it.
I wrote a post months ago after watching Kimi wa Petto, in which I stated that I could relate to the main character, someone who is literally incapable of loving anyone other than the unconditional affection given and received by a pet. I still think that I am like that, except I don't choose not to feel anything because I have been hurt before, I just don't feel anything. I don't even have a pet.
Yeah yeah yeah, I'm young, plenty of time and all that crap. Bullshit. I'm 23. Surely to have reached this stage in my life, basically a quarter of the way through it, and to have not truly liked anyone, let alone loved them, speaks volumes. Two of my closest friends are getting married this year, and I'll bet that another one and my sister will be as well before long. I'm being left behind.
My mum asked me earlier, knowing that I wanted children one day, whether I would 'go it alone.' My answer was probably, seeing as it will be my only chance. We laughed it off, but it's true. My future is looking very lonely to me right now.
I think I will have to start being nicer to my friends in order not to die alone.
<3 x
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