This Post Doesn't Actually Exist.

I have a cunning plan.

I'm going to write the personal post that has been itching to be written, and then disguise it with another post afterwards. This way, hopefully, a blog post filled by my complaining and being confused can be like forgotten about and disappear as swiftly as smoke in the wind.

Doing this probably wont make me any less confused or more content, but it will at least serve the therapeutic means of talking it out, albeit to myself.

Let's just say there's a boy. Someone that I haven't known very long, but feel so comfortable around that it is like we have been friends for years. We text each other almost every day, we make plans for adventures, he promises me baked goods and that he'll fix my car. Others told me he liked me, and I freaked out a little. I was just happy to have made a new friend that to find out that he was interested in more was super scary for me, even if I wasn't really sure I believed it. I suspected he liked someone else, but by then, I started to think how nice he was, and how, if he made a move, I probably wouldn't mind. I'm not going to lie, I don't feel anything but friendship for him, but still ...

We went for a walk, just the two of us, and he told me he liked one of my best friends, and inside, I was torn between 'hah, I knew it!' and '...oh.'. 

Nothing has changed. We still make plans for adventures and text every day, and I'm still waiting for my baked goods and a fixed car, but now, if he did make a move, I don't know what I should do. I have always been a bit cautious anyway, not wanting to ruin a friendship that I value, and not wanting to spoil any other friendships on the way. Now, knowing he likes someone else, by his own admission, and that that someone else knows of his affection, the situation just got a lot more confusing. I don't think he will try anything, I'm still not convinced that he ever liked me in the first place. I think he would be lovely, especially for the aforementioned friend, because he would be kind and understanding as he is a genuinely good person. I have even thought of trying to set them up together.

So why am I still waiting for something to happen? Why am I spending every moment that I am alone with him waiting for him to make a move? I don't even know if I want anything to happen, so why am I anticipating it?

Maybe I just watch too many dramas.

Its just occurred to me how mortifying it would be if he was to read this. I did mention that I wrote a blog last time I saw him, but I don't think he got the name or address so I should be safe. 

I kind of don't want anyone to read this. It's something that I haven't really talked to anyone about, not in any great depth. I've barely even scraped the surface in this post as to what is actually going through my head and heart. I like to think I'm pretty open, but things like this, my deep down emotions and feelings, these are things that I have no confidence in. I feel like I'm laying myself bare here, revealing my greatest insecurities, and that is terrifying to me.

In fact, I'm going to make this post super secret by typing it in white. (EDIT Crap, I forgot my background isnt white ... *changes to light blue, breathes sigh of relief*.)

Plus points if you managed to read it anyway. If you know me, you know me too well.

<3 x

Told you there wasn't a post here.